I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
