Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
