did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
