i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
