I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize