I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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