I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
