i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
