Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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