i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
