he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
