if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
