you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
