my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
