I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize