Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
