I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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