We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
