if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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