well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
