I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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