i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
