Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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