k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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