True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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