My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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