I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
