Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
