bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
