please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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