Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
