is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
