Who did Billy Mays play for?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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