Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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