Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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