Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
