HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
