my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
