how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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