Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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