when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
