Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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