so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
