I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
