I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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