I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
