I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
