How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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