i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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