I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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