I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
