he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
