Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
