sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
