I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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