the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
