i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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