I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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