going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
