But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize