what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
