It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
