does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
