god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize