My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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