dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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