Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize