I smell stomach acid.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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