I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize