I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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