question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
