Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
